What is healing?
This blog has grown out of my life trauma and the painful lessons I have learned in its aftermath. I want to share my experiences, hoping it will help at least one person. I will define healing for this blog and possibly for the Black Boy Healing Project as learning and growing from a painful experience and taking that information to become a better version of yourself. A version of yourself that is stronger, more resilient, wiser, less naïve, and more in tune with your fundamental needs. These are the building blocks of a successful man who benefits his community. Healing is the process of learning and improving from trauma and past mistakes. These lessons and the ensuing growth make you a champion of your own life.
Why do we, as black men, need and deserve healing?
Dear black man, you deserve healing. You deserve control over your own life. You deserve freedom. You deserve peace. Many of our ancestors didn't get the opportunity to heal. They survived despite the world around them trying to destroy them. They suffered so that we could have a better life. We deserve to take advantage of their endless amount of sacrifice. Healing is about all the things we do well as black people. We constantly create dopeness out of tragedy. This time, we need to be able to do this without self-destruction. Why… because we deserve it! Our mothers, daughters, friends, co-workers, partners, and the black community need you, and they need me. They deserve the best version of you, of us, to live. To be healthy. To thrive.
You deserve the healing journey.
Why a special section for black men :
Why do I write to black men about mental health? Because we need it. Three years ago, I wanted nothing more in the world but to take my own life. I hated drawing breath. I hated waking up in the morning. I didn't know how to shake the feeling. As I reached out to the place I knew had all the answers…Google, I found nothing that related to me. All the articles that were coming up about "black men" were around us, "black men" being murdered by the police (which is not what you need when you are in crisis), or articles about why black men are in interracial relationships. I felt the internet didn't care about me in my darkest hour. I felt jealous of all the articles that supported women. What do we have? At that moment, I knew I had to write a love letter to all the black men who felt alone, in need of encouragement, or like they had no one to love them. I understand you might not be ready or able to go to therapy. But maybe this article can have you hold on one more day. This is my love letter to you, black man. We need you. The world needs you. It may not always seem like it, but we do.
Mental health, not just for everyone else :
For as long as I could remember, I knew that one day, I was going to need therapy. As a teenager, I hoped I could go to an excellent rehab center one day. This was before I took my first drink. Something about rehab on a beach felt like I would be able to figure myself out and get my life together. Unfortunately, many of us (black men) don't get luxury rehab centers or cushy mental health retreats. In need, we get sent to the prison system as our tool to reform. Despite the atrocities of incarceration, many black men thrive through that experience and develop into great people. This just speaks to the resilience of black people, but the world often never lets us forget that time in prison.
Maybe instead of handing out felonies, we can create a world where people get the treatment and healing they need. We need a space to learn how to cope with the every day, never-ending challenges of being a black man. I hope this is one of many places dedicated to helping us face what the world throws at us. Dear Black man, healing, kindness, and space aren't just for everyone else. We deserve time to be kind to ourselves. We deserve a timeout from the pressure.
My Journey:
It has been three years since I began intense therapy. I have been on and off medication and battling a drinking habit … I might still fall into the functional alcoholic category. I have learned a lot. My life has improved. The best part is that I want to live. I have a reason to wake up in the morning. For the first time, I am trying to live for myself, not my haters. My life does not revolve around proving myself to everyone who ever rejected me. I am more than a soldier fighting the world to show my value. So, gentlemen, this is what healing will get you.
So as a young teenager, and by this time in my life, I had been raped multiple times by multiple men. I was filled with rage. So much rage! At first, it felt like my superpower. It gave me the strength to push through adversity. I was so angry I didn't even notice the extreme depression I had. I wanted "The smoke"; I lived for the "smoke"… Revenge kept me alive. I wanted to win life. So I could use that power to make my foes feel my pain. Healing helped me to realize the gravity of Dr Martin Luther King's words, "An eye for an eye leaves all of us blind ." I genuinely hope no one ever has to go through what I went through. So when "Mr Greene "was on trial, I had a dream where I watched him receive in jail everything he deserved: "an eye for an eye," if you understand what I mean. I thought I would be happy, but because of the healing, I understood that no one should suffer that fate. The fate of rape.
At that moment, I was able to let it go. I was able to allow parts of him to go in my head. I was free. I could be better. But my ability to have empathy for the future fate of Mr Greene gave me peace. It gave me freedom. I hope you get the same freedom and peace. The weight released from his hold on me … still somewhat does allow me to think about who I am. What do I want? How can I make the world I live in better? I can confidently say: Dear Mr Greene, I want you to have reform and peace, and I no longer want Revenge. However, you deserve the 402 years, and I hope you serve every minute.
Learning to Forgive
As a young child and again as a teenager, I was raped multiple times by multiple men including a high school teacher who I had trusted as a mentor and father figure. I was filled with rage. So much rage! At first, it felt like my superpower. It gave me the strength to push through adversity. I was so angry I didn't even notice the extreme depression I had. I wanted "The smoke"; I lived for it. Revenge kept me alive. I wanted to win life so I could use that power to make my foes feel my pain. Healing helped me to realize the gravity of Dr. Martin Luther King's words, "An eye for an eye leaves all of us blind." When Mr. Greene, my teacher and rapist, was on trial, I had a dream where I watched him receive in jail everything he deserved: "an eye for an eye," if you understand what I mean. I thought I would be happy, but because of the healing, I understood that no one should suffer that fate.
At that moment, I was able to let it go. I was able to allow parts of him to go in my head. I was free. I could be better. However my ability to have empathy for the future fate of Mr. Greene gave me peace. It gave me freedom. I hope you get the same freedom and peace. The weight released from his hold on me still allows me to think about who I am. What do I want? How can I make the world I live in better? I can confidently say, “Dear Mr Greene, I want you to have reform and peace, and I no longer want revenge.” However, you deserve the 402 years, and I hope you serve every minute.
The ability to cry and empathy:
This one looks pretty feminine, and I am not advocating that you cry for healing. I understand the pressure and the feeling of being emasculated if seen crying. I would even understand you questioning my masculinity as I talk about crying. It feels like defeat if you are seen crying. I know the feeling of being less of a “real man” if your woman catches you crying. I get it. However, sometimes it is appropriate to cry. Sometimes, bro, you have to do it. Before therapy, I thought I couldn't cry. I reached a point where I had embraced and elevated my toughness as a shield for all the trials and tribulations I took on the chin like a real man.
I remembered the first time I cried for real in two decades, like more than the single black man gangster tear. It was after I testified against Mr. Greene. During the trial, I felt strong. I had the most expensive suit in the room. I felt like we won. After I got back to the hotel, I thought I would celebrate. I had been waiting years for this moment and felt nothing …… and then everything. I thought I could do a few days sober, but I couldn't. I had dinner at the most expensive restaurant I could find. Then I got drunk as fuck to quiet the pain. As I was stumbling down the street, I saw a weed shop and brought weed. I had scheduled a massage for later that day. During the massage, something happened. I felt a tear roll down my face and then another. The next thing I knew, tears were uncontrollably pouring down my face. I don't know how to describe it, but I felt the pressure of everything letting go at that moment. I could finally morn something. I could morn myself. I had time and space to have empathy for me. It took me several days to realize I fucking deserve compassion, and I have to be the first person to give it to me.
In summary:
This is my first blog post. I enjoyed writing this much more than I thought I would. I have so much more to say about the benefits of my healing journey. I should make a part two because I have many more things to share from this journey. I will leave you all with this: as a kid, I would watch movies and TV that were about warriors like Bruce Lee, Rambo, etc., and how they would single-handedly win a war with their sheer willpower. I never thought until now about the strength and resolve it would take to heal from that war. How manly is it to survive a war and still be kind, giving, and generous afterward? Gentlemen, I invite you to embark on your healing journey.
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