Advice vs. Permission
I decided to write on this topic after a friend told me "I should" conduct my business in a certain way. For weeks, I wrestled with this. He saw me in a way I didn't see myself. This conversation took me into a spiral of depression. I had to ask myself how do I keep ending up in this place and why does this hurt so badly? But more importantly, what went wrong, and how can I take control…. i.e., take responsibility? I believe my therapist asked me in a session if I was seeking advice or permission? They are very different, and sometimes, we confuse one for the other. This is how I see them separately.
Permission
Permission is a request to do something that can only be given by a more powerful person or an authority figure. Permission means your request can be rejected or granted based on someone else's decision. As a child, I learned to ask my parents for permission. In school, I asked my teachers for permission. I trusted my family and the educational institution, and in return, I had to submit to their instruction. Submission is a critical element of asking for permission. When asking for permission, you and the person you're asking permission from must agree to a hierarchical power dynamic. This dynamic might be described as parent/child, teacher/student, boss/employee, pimp/hoe, or master/slave.
Advice
However, advice is usually based on experience or expertise. When receiving advice, one hopes to gain information to complete a goal. Advice is a suggestion and provision of information. Before I got married, my father-in-law gave me some advice on how to love and respect a wife. My mentor has provided advice on how to market my products. My wife, mother, brother, students, mentors, colleagues, and friends have all advised me in different capacities.
Differences
There are a few key differences between permission and advice. First, permission sets up a hierarchical power dynamic where advice doesn't. Permission is about power and authority, whereas advice is rooted in experience and expertise. Permission can be rejected or granted. On the other hand, advice is at the discretion of the receiver. The goal of permission is to answer the question, "If I do the following, will I still have the approval of the authority figure?" In contrast, the goal of advice is to ask the question, "Based on your experience or knowledge, what do you think is the best way to do the following?"
Confusion
As I am working on my mental health, these two ideas are easy to confuse. But knowing the difference is an adult skill I must master. Understanding when I am asking for one over the other will help me navigate life. I now know I shouldn't view them the same and approach them differently. As one gets older, the dynamic should transition from asking permission to asking for advice. This is a sign of a healthy parent-child or mentor-mentee relationship. This was not the example I received in my formative years. I want to explore two significant ways I learned to ask for permission when I should have sought advice.
Permission at School
In elementary school, you learn to ask for permission for everything. The education system utilizes the model of permission-asking rather than advice-giving. This set me up to approach school with the question, "If I do the following, will I still have the approval of the authority figure?" instead of asking what I want to learn and how I want to use that knowledge. I understand why the system works this way; the school is in the business of having students. Long after I finished elementary school, I still found myself asking for permission in college and graduate school and sometimes in life. School rewards obedience over creativity and trains students to work jobs where they must ask for permission. However, it is my job to become an adult and leave spaces where I don't want to have to ask permission. The education system is not the only place where I am a child. For many years, I have been told that I am a child of God.
Permission and Ultimate Destiny
In religion, I learned to ask for permission in prayer: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6-7). Jeremiah 10:23 states, “I know, LORD that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our own course.” Like I said before, permission asking sets up a hierarchical power dynamic, which is okay and even understandable if you believe God to be the master of the universe. But how do you hear God? Who gets to speak for God?
I was taught that God speaks to you through the leadership in the church, family, teachers, and life situations. The above teaching taught me to seek permission in the larger culture and community in every aspect of my life. The problem in my life was that everyone, everything, and every situation became my authority figure. Thus, I found myself asking for permission to be myself or make any decision.
Personal Effects on Mental Health
Remember, permission is accepting a hierarchy and ultimately asking the question, "If I do the following, will I still have the approval of the authority figure?" Who is the authority figure? For me, in school, it is the teacher or handbook. In religion, it was an ambiguous sign from community, culture, and life situations I had to decipher. Sometimes it was a pastor or spiritual leader who claimed to speak on behalf of God. I was asking permission to pursue my goals and dreams. I was asking permission to believe or have my own opinions about everything. Ultimately, I was asking for permission to be me. The stress of trying and expecting to gain everyone's and everything's approval all the time set me up for a lifetime of self-hate, misery, and second-guessing. This perspective affected my mind by asking for permission from someone else to grant or deny my request. My request for an opinion or to be me is subject to being granted or denied by everyone all the time. Acceptance became how I measured myself, not valuing my authenticity, accomplishments, intentions, and generosity. Community acceptance is fickle and can vary based on cultural expectations. I lost myself and my own contentment. My depression stems from the fact I didn't know the difference between asking for permission and asking for advice.
How did I figure out if I was asking for permission vs. advice?
Below are some questions I ask myself to check in and determine whether I should seek permission or advice.
Can this person stop me?
Do I need this person's permission?
Does the person I am talking to have power over me, or did I give him or her power?
Has this person accomplished what I am trying to accomplish?
Do I want this person's blessing (acceptance), and if so, why?
Am I okay with this person having power over me. Do I feel safe?
What will happen if I say no?
Conclusion
Permission is neither good nor bad, and the same can be said for advice. The key is knowing the difference, and as I get older, I am starting to realize that I need to ask for permission a lot less. In addition, I should be selective in who I go to for advice. Only some people can be helpful. In fact, many can hurt me, either because of incompetence or malice. For me, the healing process is about no longer asking permission to be me.
Think about ways you may be asking for permission when you should be asking for advice. Or when you're asking for advice and you should be asking for permission. Question: Should you even be talking to this person? Do they have the authority or experience to give you either permission or advice?
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